John rushed over, running across traffic, jumping over bushes, not resting, not panting or catching his breath even once. Flattering actually. He's sweet. But he's too late. Why didn't I see this part of him sooner? He should have told me how he felt. Annoying actually. I follow behind him. He doesn't know it. Or maybe he does, that's why he keeps going faster. He doesn't even take the elevator, he rushes up the staircase. 22 floors up. Boy, the adrenaline is really flowing in him. His heart must be pumping blood at an amazing rate. Or maybe its not adrenaline flowing through him, maybe its not blood. No, its something else.

He ran a solid 4 block and 22 floors staircase marathon in under 8 minutes. He's fit I give you that. Lean, muscular, handsome. I never saw that part of him either. Its too late now. But he won't get that. He's desperate. There's still time he thinks. Or at least that's what I think he's thinking. Why else would he run that marathon? Oh John, you're so innocently sweet. Thank you and I'm sorry. It really is too late.

Funny. I find myself wondering how I look like. I find myself wishing I had put make up on myself before, before I did what I did. He'll see me ugly, pale and he won't love me anymore. That's it. Love. That's what was flowing through him, pumping in his heart. That was his energy in that marathon. This is the 4th marathon you've been in John, and this is the fastest I've seen you run. Unfortunately, this is the only one you won't win John. I'm sorry. Which dress did I put on? Or was I just in my trainers and sweatshirt? God, I look so ugly. You won't love me anymore John will you? Just like him, you won't love me anymore because I'm ugly. He drove me to this you know. He said he couldn't take it anymore, that he found someone more beautiful, more adventurous. He said its over. That's when I called you. I got your answering machine. I thought you were just like him. Didn't want to take my calls. Didn't want to take me. But you were bathing weren't you? I felt so hurt. But I didn't know then. I'm sorry John. I left a message for you and you came running. I wish I knew that... Before.

"John, he left me John. Said he found someone else. More beautiful he says. More adventurous he says. So many times he asked me to be experimental and I was so squirmish about it. God John, he wanted a slut. I could have been a slut for him John, I should have. Now nobody's gonna love me. He was the only one willing. And I couldn't repay him that way John. I'm sorry John. You're my best friend. You've always been. Thank you and goo..." "BEEP!".

I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I guess I could have called back, but maybe I was afraid this time you'd pick up. You'd stop me. I didn't want you to John, but now I wish you would. I wish I called you that second time. You just missed me. You rush to pick up the phone but it was too late. You called me back but I'd already yanked the phone from the wall. I didn't want to be interrupted. I wanted it to over and done with. You ran over. I saw you. I was with you all the way here. I don't know why I went to you. Maybe in my heart, I felt the same for you. I just didn't see it. I didn't see a lot of things John. They say love blinds you. But truth is John, many times, we're blind to love. We just don't see it there. I didn't see it there. I wish I did.

You stop running. You call out my name. Why aren't you rushing anymore John? You know it by now don't you? You know its too late. You're resigned to it. How I wish things was different. Don't go into the bedroom John. If you can hear me don't go in. I don't want you seeing me that way. You won't love me anymore. I want you to love me. I want you to remember me beautiful John. Don't go in. No use, you can't hear me. You walk into the room and I saw that look in you John. Knowing what you'll see but not quite ready to see it. Tearing up even before you saw. You knew.

There I am, John. No make-up, pale, trainers and sweatshirt on and a very messy hairdo. I understand John. You can walk away feeling disgusted now. Wondering to yourself how you could ever fall for that. How you could even be friends with something that looks like that. I'm not beautiful John. Go find another. More beautiful, more adventurous. More beautiful, more adventurous. More beautiful, more adventurous. You don't love me anymore do you? How could you?

John? What are you doing? You can't hear me can you?

He's lunging towards me, hugging my legs. Lifting me up. I'm heavy, fat. My legs swinging left and right, hanging in mid-air. I'm fat, but he's strong. He hoists me up loosening me off the hook. The scarf still around my neck. Like a beautiful fashionable scarf to cover my scarred neck. He gently place me on the floor, holding my head up and crying? Why? Why is he crying? He still loves me. Oh my god John, you still love me. Thank you. I love you too. But you still can't hear me can you? I wish I saw this earlier. This feeling. He loves me. I never saw. I wish I wasn't blinded. By mascara and eyeliner.

He grazes my cold, pale cheeks with his fingers and I almost feel it. I can go now. In peace. Thank you John. I can go now. I love you. Say something John, before I go. Say it to my shut eyes and sealed lips. Say it to my hardening face that's growing paler and colder. Before I go John, say something.

I rambled rambled rambled at 11:53 PM